Jealousy

It's ugly. I mean, really ugly. It makes you think, say and do all sorts of things you wouldn't normally. It has this way of nagging at you. It's like the itch that can't be scratched. How do I know? I've been feeling lately. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, wham! And it's not pretty.

The funny thing about jealousy is that you often know that you are experiencing it, but you can't seem to stop it from happening. I guess it's what addicts feel. They know that drinking is bad, but they just can't seem to stop themselves from taking a swig.

You may be wondering why I am feeling jealous right now. There's this person I know. I won't name names, but if you've had a recent conversation with me, I've probably whined to you about her. She is the exact opposite of me in every conceivable way (looks, height, body type, you name it). The only thing we have in common is that we are both women. Ironically, the jealousy doesn't stem from me wanting to be like her. Actually, I don't particularly like her way of being, but I can't help but notice how people respond to her. People LOVE her. I really don't get it. I find her persistent peppiness bothersome. Now before you accuse me of being some sort of a grouch, trust me, I like fun people. I enjoy a good time as much as the next person. But her incessant laughing at any and everything has gotten on my last nerve. Every time she laughs, at the lamest things I might add, I just want to yell and tell her, "It's not THAT funny!"

Oh, and she invites herself to everything...parties, conversations, you name it. She has to be included. She even buys the silliest of trinkets for almost everyone around her. I've lost you, right? You're probably asking yourself, "What's so wrong with that? It's very sweet and thoughtful." No, it's not. It's a ploy. She's simply currying favor and buying affection. Okay, I know this sounds terrible. I'm probably not making my case. Let me say it this way. It doesn't feel genuine.

There, I said it. I sincerely think she's a fake, a fraud, a phony. Whew! So glad to get that off my chest. I'm jealous of the result of her insincerity. Her brown-nosing has led to her getting all sorts of opportunities! On one hand, I'm rather impressed. On the other, I'm steaming mad. I feel like the McCain to her Obama...only I hesitate to compare her to him, as I like him so. But, I understand the Senator from Arizona. He's worked so hard for years, supported people he didn't particularly like for the good of the party and now this person, comes in and bam! All of his hard work feels like for naught.

But here is the difference, I don't talk about how much work I have. She does. At any given moment she is openly talking about how under water she is. Trust me, I have felt swamped too, but I haven't whined about it. I suffered in silence...with an occasional misstep here and there. Somehow, she manages to lament in a way that makes her seem like such a trooper. It's exasperating. Aren't frauds supposed to be found out in the end? Where's the movie moment where it's discovered that everything she does is directly related to her Machiavellian ways?

I'm one for full on honesty. I tell it like I see it. I'm thinking this is what is at the root of the problem. Who wants to hang out with someone that doesn't always agree with your point of view? I guess the people that are the closest to me. They seem to thrive just fine with me telling them like it is. Many of them come to me for that very reason...the god's honest truth. Now, I think you can sugar coat it, but turning a blind eye has never been my style.

So, back to this jealousy thing. While I clearly need to just get over it, it has caused me to reflect a little more. Maybe I come off too aloof. I had someone tell me that I was mysterious. Really? That sounds sort of cool if you ask me. I've also been told that I have an edge. Really? That sounds sort of cool too. But apparently people that are aloof and have an edge are not so easy to approach. That could be the problem. She is perceived as peppy, while I'm perceived as edgy. I can see why that would make people not want to hang out at my desk to shoot the breeze. I've been working on my approachability factor. I've been putting on that "happy face" I mentioned recently. But I have to remind myself to do that on a regular basis for fear that a leftover scowl due to a bad commute or something could be misinterpreted somehow. It's a lot of effort this peppiness. I have to give her credit. This is exhausting.

Well, off to go smile inanely at someone for no apparent reason whatsoever. Man, I'm tired already.